Silent Agreements, Linda D. Anderson, PhD
Silent Agreements, Linda D. Anderson, PhD
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Silent Agreements
How to Free Your Relationships of Unspoken Expectations

Author: Linda D. Anderson, PhD, Sonia R. Banks, PhD, Michele L. Owens, PhD

Narrator: Bahni Turpin

Unabridged: 6 hr 41 min

Format: Digital Audiobook Download

Published: 05/07/2019

Synopsis

Silent Agreements will help readers define the unspoken beliefs and expectations that might be causing dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and resentment in their relationships, giving them the tools to explore these agreements and work toward healthier communication with a partner, friend, boss, or family member.

If you have relationships, you've likely been part of silent agreements. Silent agreements are the implicit "rules" of your relationships that arise from unspoken beliefs and expectations that both parties hold, stemming from your earliest experiences and reinforced as you mature. They can sound something like "The person who makes more money should pay for the dates," or "My boss doesn't offer me a raise, and he knows I won't ask for one." These agreements can hinder your relationships, remaining undiscussed due to fear, aversion to conflict, feelings of obligation, or guilt. Because expectations so rarely line up and neither person will address the issue, a silent agreement can cause unhappiness and resentment on both sides.

Clinical psychologists Drs. Anderson, Banks, and Owens will help you explore your agreements and work towards healthier communication with a partner, friend, boss, or family member. In the process, you'll learn more about your own motivations and how to dismantle the the beliefs that don't serve you. With guidelines and advice on how to have productive conversations about sex, money, commitment, family, the workplace, and health, this book will help you lift the silence and resolve those land-mine issues before they do irreparable damage.

Reviews

Goodreads review by Ramona on April 09, 2019

This is a powerful look at the ways we silently learn things at a young age, and how those lessons stay with us into adulthood and affect our relationships. It's a truly eye opening concept that any reader will benefit from. I appreciate that the authors address relationships of every type, not only......more

Goodreads review by Pamela on July 05, 2019

Smart how the authors pull back the curtain to reveal so many hidden factors that have a deep effect on our relationships. Even though it can be scary to examine our unconscious beliefs in our various connections to the people in our lives, the willingness to step up creates a powerful opportunity t......more

Goodreads review by Seth on February 22, 2020

We often make sharp judgments in our society, whether it be on ourselves, our peers, and especially those we still consider strangers. This book plays through many situations to show that we often assume people know what we want or when they don't we often settle for less. I would recommend this boo......more

Goodreads review by Malik on October 04, 2024

2.5 // Interesting concept. Explores the strains from poor or non communication in relationships. Unfortunately the book featured many examples not relatable to me.......more

Goodreads review by Julia on February 15, 2019

I received an ARC in exchange for honest review from NetGalley. I thought this was an excellent read with a lot of good tips for various relationships. The concept of silent agreements is one that we are all probably aware of but haven't studied or discussed. This book is accessible enough for everyo......more

Quotes

“Fear is a great silencer that restrains vulnerable engagement, the absence of which leads to profound and painful complications. The authors of Silent Agreements unearth this widespread phenomenon with great clarity and offer a well-thought-out process that makes truth sharing possible and healing. We recommend this book to anyone who is having conversations in their head that they are keeping to themselves.”
 -- Harville Hendrix, Ph. D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D, authors of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“The insightful authors of Silent Agreements offer clarity on how we can approach and resolve those challenging unspoken issues between ourselves and others without fear. They will help illuminate new pathways of understanding, and foster open communication in all your relationships. I recommended this very helpful book for anyone who is committed to creating happy, healthy relationships.
 -Katherine Woodward Thomas, New York Times bestselling author of Conscious Uncoupling
 
"What a cogent, insightful look at how the agreements we think are presumed and assumed by the very people we most want to understand us rarely are because of what never gets said. This wise book gives profound voice to the inner silences that can trip up all of our relationships, be they with loved ones or workplace partners. A must read for those wanting to be truly heard."
-Audrey Edwards, co-author of Children of the Dream: The Psychology of Black Success
 
“We live in an age of ambiguity, in which miscommunication and insincerity are epidemic. This is a time in which people are quick to judge and just as quick to condemn.  Silent Agreements is a useful reminder that unexamined certainty is almost, always a mistake. But it is first and foremost a book about clarity and how to obtain it. In this age when we are desperately attempting to clarify rules governing consent, where many remain confused over whether yes means yes or no means no, Silent Agreements is hugely illuminating. It is a timely and valued contribution to our mutual understanding not only of each other but of our collective selves. For navigating the often-unspoken assumptions that govern relationships between family members, friends, lovers, spouses and coworkers, it is the perfect guide.
--Ellis Cose, author of The Rage of a Privileged Class and The End of Anger
 
“Silent agreements: what a provocative idea! The authors clearly describe the kinds of silent agreements that can be problematic at home, work, and play, and provide helpful, and easy-to-implement advice about how to identify and overcome these powerful expectations that may otherwise derail our relationships.”
 – Matt Bloom, Associate Professor at the University of Notre Dame

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